| Your Shades of Blue |
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| 08:05pm 14/03/2007 |
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Shades of Blue
And sparkling stars in the skies
They remind me of you
Fading with time
Bittersweet memories
Are all that is left
The lessons you taught with such faith
Are the memories I kept
The trees stand humbled and still
Now that your gone
Pleading to keep your spirit alive
Always remembering your song
Promising to never forget your love
To never forget you
By never losing that undying faith
And remembering your shades of blue... |
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| Thank you Monica |
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| 01:08am 29/09/2006 |
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Chasing Cars
By: Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world? |
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| please...give me something God |
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| 01:02am 15/09/2006 |
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Tell me not to give up...that it will be okay.....I know things won't work themselves out....I know that more than anything else...I've learned that much....I feel like I'm constantly being tested....and every so often I just feel like I'm standing in the middle of the street screaming at the top of my lungs and the whole world is collapsing around me....you think I'm so strong....but inside I truly don't have any reassurance that tomorrow won't be the end this battle. I am over the edge and feel hopeless...so please give me something to hold onto....are you even there? |
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| the world stopped turning for me a little bit today... |
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| 11:33pm 06/09/2006 |
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have you ever had that feeling where in the events leading to the climax of a movie and everything goes slow motion.....and you can see on the screen that even water droplets are in slow motion...I had that feeling to day....
Today was eventful though....I woke up in a stressed out mode...Jeremy ended up staying home from work because when he was getting ready he had stuck his hand in our dresser drawer and a chunk of wood pushed itself under his nail....It was horrible...he was having pains up his arm and everything...it hit a nerve or something.....but now it's better....but it bled and it's bruising and everything....but it was his right hand his dominant one....so he knew he wouldn't of been able to do anything very well at work so he just stayed home....When I got to work....things were crazy...I got stuck in fabrics for a good half hour....I was so tired this morning so that didn't help and then they didn't have enough cashiers.....and no stock person and no car pusher.....and on top of that today was the day I had to take a long lunch cause of my registration appointment at Clark....that took like two in a half hours but I did end up getting my hourse back by staying until about six thirty....but on top of all of this even....When I first got to work....I found out that Tricia was in the hospital. Which obviously isn't good....she's having surgery today and I wanted to go see her but couldn't...and also I figured she should rest than continue to get visitors.....so anyhow...that was stressing me out tremendously and I was stressed that Jeremy might have to go to the doctor too...and he doesn't have insurance......and then I think I'm getting sick too....I have a sore throat....and I usually get sick like this twice a year right before we go back into colder weather and when we go into warmer weather...kind of weird but I've noticed this over the years....anyhow.....I just had a long day...I was proud though...this time I didn't loose it in front of anyone....I didn't cry or anything...haha....and I even forgot to mention the part where I hit Kris from Photo in the mouth with our sign....I didn't mean to of course....the dang thing fell off this pull thing we have in our department...and he just happened to be standing right under it....I felt so so horrible......I didn't even see that he had gotten that close......so yeah it was not such a fun day...but like I said...I was proud that I actually got through it and didn't have a nervous break down in front of anyone except Jeremy....he held me like I needed desperately.....So I am much better now...which is a better feeling....I am excited for tomorrow....Because Jeremy is getting a turtle for his birthday.....I'm excited for him because he has always wanted one...only three more days until his birthday.....well anyhow...I have to go clean up the house now...even though I'm exhausted beyond belief.....and then I will be getting up early tomorrow......to go run errands! yay for me! not! talk laters! |
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| dreaming of the past...with hopes for the future... |
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| 02:35pm 09/08/2006 |
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mood:  relaxed music: Nickelback-far away
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Had a talk with a friend today...it's amazing all the new things she's feeling with this new guy in her life.....I am unbelievably happy for her...I didn't want to speak to soon.....and tell her..it's going to be everything she dreams it to be....but it reminded me so much of everything that Jeremy and I have been through...I hope that everyone gets to experience those things.....in being/falling in love....She asked me if I ever had a moment where I just knew that he was the one for me....or did we just work up to that.....I replied of course with, "well it was both." I always knew that we were going to have to work very hard at our relationship.....And I do believe that we were destined to be together......But I did feel that feeling too..."like he was the one"....when I first met Jeremy...I felt so at ease....just talking to him...I wasn't afraid to just say whatever I wanted to say to him....I wasn't scared of what he might think or say back...I just let all of myself out and hoped that he could deal with it.....we've definitely gotten to know each other a lot better living together than we did when we were just dating......I feel like I always knew that he was the one for me.....somehow we just fit together without a question or doubt.......and though we fight.....somehow I know we will/can always work it out.....because no matter what obstacle we are trying to overcome at the time....we figured out a long time ago who each of us was inside.....we just knew what we would need to do...to help each other along the way....and don't get me wrong....it's hard work...it's so frustrating at times that I just want to give up every step of the way....and he feels that way sometimes to....but somehow (I know I keep saying somehow....) things work out for the best.....and it's a lot easier to just accept things....rather than let the little things sneak up on you.....I've learned that a whole lot lately....and I know he has too....I remember having a conversation over the phone....we promised we wouldn't ever let anything get swept under the rug......that we wouldn't just ignore the problems....that we would get to the bottom of things and get it overwith so we could be happy again......because we both agreed that if we did that and we stopped communicating then that's when we would start having problems...because things just build up from there...and you spend most of the time blaming each other rather than helping each other.....and it proved to be right...because we talked everything out for the first year or so...and we felt better about just getting things over and done with....but we got into some bad habits in these last few months....and have been fighting for a while about dumb things and realized that we had done exactly what we set out not to do....and now we are repairing the damage.....that's what I never ever wanted....was to have communication problems...because I saw so many issues with that growing up...and figured out very early on...that I didn't want that in my relationships....
(Gosh...it's so much easier for me to write this stuff out than to say it...haha...cause when I was talking on the phone...I freaking just couldn't think of everything I wanted to say....guess that's just me...)
Jeremy and I have been together for almost three years....these past three years have been the best three of my life....I feel like everything that has happened to me in the past three years has been better than the previous seventeen....all because of him....of course they've been the hardest to get through at times.....but he always helps me to make sense of everything....At times I do feel like I want to give up....because he's being stubborn...or acting like a jerk.....but I know deep in my heart that I couldn't live without him.....I can't picture ever being with anyone else....I can't picture him being with anyone else....When we started our relationship we always said if we ever broke up we'd want to stay friends.....LOL...I can never picture being friends....I don't see it....at all....it's funny how things change....
I know things can only get better......things are going to happen for us....just wait and see...
On another note.....well I am still waiting for Clark to send me an award letter......I hope that it will be enough to pay for college...and not have to pay anything other than maybe my books.....I am really looking forward to it.....things are going to really change around here.....I've realized that....cause I'm probably going to have to be getting a new job...and maybe only four days a week instead of five......so who knows....and that means we will loose like eighty five dollars a week....or so...after taxes.....which will suck...and I'm going to have to consider that when going to school...because I need a job that will be flexible.....I hope I hope I hope I can find a new one....these next two days are going to be about that!
Judith will probably be moving out in a month or so....that's her plan...I will miss her....lol...she helps out around the house....and helps keep Jeremy in line...lol....LOVE YOU JUDITH!!!
Going to the movies tomorrow night with a bunch of peeps! lol...can't believe I said that.....should be fun....Seeing The Decent....I guess.....suppose to be scary...don't know how scary but hopefully it won't make me pee my panties! Scary movies scare me! Yikes! though since the grudge I don't believe I've had nightmares because of one....lol....when I came home after that one I had to keep myself awake until I knew I would pass out from sleepiness.....cause I didn't want to wake back up in the dark.....omgosh creepin' myself out....anywho....I've talked quite enough....talk to you all later! love Tiff |
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| Sinking in the depths of time... |
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| 12:10am 24/07/2006 |
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What's that smell I keep thinking...that's Tiffany who hasn't cleaned out the litter box for her two new kitties.....I am goona have to do that like a ASAP! haha....today was so hot.....it has been way too hot these last few days......I am hoping though that it will last until thursday so I can go swimming one more time before summer goes ba-bye! Anyways just dropping a note! Can't really talk long.......I hope things are going well for everyone..night! |
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| TIRED |
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| 11:20pm 22/07/2006 |
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mood:  nauseated music: Phil Collins-In the air tonight
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I am so tired.....I've been over exerting myself for the last month or more....I always push myself further than I should but lately I've been really feeling it.....I'm so tired all the time....And I hate it so much.....I just want to quit my job...I completely hate it....but am lacking motivation to get out and get a new one...I don't think anyone will hire me....I am lazy sometimes....and I am always extremely hot and I need to wear open toed shoes cause of my foot thing....and I can wear tennis shoes if they are way too big....but what job am I going to find that will let me wear shoes that are huge on me.....and who wants to see me sweat all day from work......I know I wouldn't want to see that if I was a customer....Anyhow....on Friday I am really pushing myself to go out and look this time...I really would like to get a waitressing job......but thing is I don't want to if all you get is minimum wage and tips.......to me that's not worth it...I would like to work at a nice restaurant....like Beaches or Joe's crab shack...or maybe Applebee's.....but I just don't think anyone will give this girl a chance....I am confident that I could do the job...I have good customer service skills...and I memorize things easily....but I don't know that anyone could see that.....or not....It's just time for something new....and I was holding back quitting because I felt like I'd loose touch with Monica and Tricia.....but I don't think I will....we will keep in touch more I think.....I hope! haha well anyways I am gonna go for now.....cause I need my rest....talk to you all later...love tiffany |
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| the scenery was nice on my side... |
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| 09:34pm 06/07/2006 |
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So today started at five am for me...not something I'm used to at all! Jeremy's sister is in this culinary program....and her class of aspiring chefs took a trip up to seattle to do a scavenger hunt, shop around, and gather groceries for their cook off tomorrow...Jeremy and I were invited to go as chaperone's
It really was amazing.....to see a different part of the state and in the day light....I'd been to seattle once before.......with my Uncle and Aunt...I was much much younger of course......and it was dark out......we had stopped in town to have dinner at the spaghetti factory.....it was very yummy of course...and we walked around and saw a few things......the space needle was one of them....but it was so dark you couldn't very well see what it was all about......Nevertheless....I had a good time...I spent most of the time following the two girls in my group around.....I looked at a few things.....they were pretty quiet so it was nice cause they were mellow and I could look at things myself without having to wonder what happened to them.....They had so many beautiful things in all their shops and stores...I wanted everything of course...haha...one thing I couldn't resist....because it was only a dollar! And it just kept smiling at me I had to buy one....It was a sunflower! I was so excited.....I've always loved sunflowers...and daisies.....they are so cheerful...and funny....don't laugh at me either....they are.....they tell you stories and they laugh and joke with you it's in their smile...!
I'm gonna put it in here somehow...if I can get it to load....haha...But it was great! The lady was friendly and people are just so nice...and helpful....I'm sure that things aren't always like that....and of course people are going to be nice when they want your money....but the part of the city that I saw....it was amazing....watching how people behave and how others respond...and there is soooo much culture in just that little area....we were all over Pike Street...sorry I didn't say that before.......I don't even know if it all was pike street but it was awesome....there was all kinds of countries around you....you had Bulvarian, Italian, Hispanic, Thai, Chinese, Tuscan, Cajun, and more....I can't even remember all the things I saw haha.....I don't even know if I was referring to them correctly....I don't think I saw one place that was Americanized....excepting Starbucks of course......and it was cool...because they had music in designated areas....on the pavement they had these painted music notes with numbers on them......like music spot four and five you know...it was neat-o.....I took a picture of this guy's dog who was lying down old as could be and as sad looking as could be....he was playing the accordian and was not very good at singing but pretty good on the accordian.....there were also a couple of young guys in front of the farmers market.....they were actually pretty darn good......they were singing what sounded like their own music.......and then there was this asian guy who was playing this very unique looking violin.....and he had a ton of money in his case....very impressive...as well as two of his own cd's......lol.....not really my taste but hey.....Anywho.....I had a blast...
Jeremy and I are wanting to plan a trip to go up their...either end of summer or on our anniversary! I think it would be fun on our anniversary! I wanted to see the aquarium.....that would of been really fun! And they have some really nice hotels down their....The hilton and the marriot.....whew! Expensive though....Well I better be going.....I got to get dinner going it's really late....lol.....talk to you all later!
This is my Sunflower.....See I told you they smile at you!
This is the dog that was lying on the ground next to the accordian singing man!
Police officer guy on a horse! Way awesome....Reminds me of old towns and old traditions...
The creepy crab in one of the seafood markets....He was really dead but looked alive!!!
And this was my lunch! Muhahaha....It was so good....Salad, Lasagna, & a bread stick.....hit the spot after all the walkin'! |
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| I dunno..... |
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| 10:43pm 03/07/2006 |
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Drastic insomniac? Is that even a word? Insomniac? |
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| Walking in the moonlight.... |
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| 10:48am 01/07/2006 |
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It's crazy how all your troubles can keep you so unbelievably down and hostile that you can't even see the beautiful things around you....I've been so upset and tense and stressed lately that even in a romantic setting I couldn't just let things go....I don't know if that would of been the right thing for me to do in the first place.....But I kind of wished I had....
Jeremy and I took a long walk last night.....We walked a very long ways......I'd say we walked at least four or five miles.....and one thing I was able to ignore was the pain in my leg.....most the time...since I had surgery on it I've still been having shooting pains up to my knee....which isn't fun.....But God must have wanted me to walk so I did.....Jeremy wanted to keep talking about random subjects like Bush, and fireworks lol....But I forced the subject about our relationship.....We talked a lot about our relationship after he actually started talking ....and it was nice.....We got a lot of stuff out......He said he would try to stop doing some of those little annoying things....and show me that he takes me seriously....one thing that has always bothered me is that....he didn't take me seriously.....and he told me that he does take me seriously......that it was just hard for him to show that....and he said that he would try to do better at it.....I love talking to him this way...because I feel like I could ask him or tell him anything and he would understand or be there for me.....and he is....he really is.... Just lately we've been arguing a whole lot more than usual...and it was really weighing me down.....and him to.....and I don't know why so much lately....maybe added stress from outside stuff....but now I feel a little better.....I kind of wished I hadn't brought any of it up with him and just enjoyed the walk.....but I think it needed to all be said....
We are gonna walk every night if we can.....tonight since I get off late just around the block or something but we both want to get in shape....lol...he doesn't really need to.....but I really do.....and also it will help.....because Monica and I are going to join a gym.....probably 24 hour fitness! I hope.....cause it's open all the time......I hope it's not too expensive! Anyways I got to get ready for work....talk laters! |
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| Time of my life! |
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| 12:58am 26/06/2006 |
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I had a complete blast.....that limo was so so so nice inside......I did find it to be a little over rated.....It was pretty much exactly what I thought it would be from TV and all....but not that big a deal I guess.....even so it was my first time ever....and it was fun. Ridiculously over priced...as many things are.....but hey you only live once right!?
Moving on, first Jeremy and I, Kaveeka, John, and Erica all met up at Monica's house....we had margaritas, shots of Tequila, and smirnoff oh and beer to drink.....monica, erica, and I were under the impression that you couldn't drink in the limo.....so yeah...you get it...but when the guy got there he said it was fine he just couldn't buy us any.....which was very cool.....we had to go pick up Tricia, Amber, and Brittany....we did that in style! And went to portland....we went to FX....which was totally different than I ever expected it to be.....It was poorly set up....it was just a little hole in the wall..crappy everything everywhere.....tables and chairs and dance floor....pretty much it besides the bathroom......the music was not that great but you could still dance to it....they had this fog stuff that would spray out every like maybe three minutes....which was really gross smelling.....it smelled like mold and other weird household cleaners all rolled into one....Wasn't that great of a place but I'd probably go again just for the hell of it......they have these cages you can jump into....and sort of claim as your own for awhile.....lol.....Monica didn't want to be anywhere but up there haha.....at one point she was literally up there shaking her ass by herself for everyone to see....it was pretty hilarious.....LOL.....anyways....Jeremy wouldn't come dance with me for the longest time......but I finally got him out there.....it was fun....we weren't there all that long maybe an hour or so.....not sure.....but then we all piled back into the limo and decided to go to JIGGLES.....omg....completely sleasy like Tricia said it would be.....Did not enjoy it at all.....not that naked girls dancing around pathetically showing all of themselves to everyone and their brother is something that is enjoyable to me but I did not realize that it was going to be full on nudity.....I thought maybe breasts would be shown...duh...but not literally girls walking around with nothing on even when they weren't dancing on stage....ugh.....do not want to ever return....Monica enjoyed it....she spent a lot of the time cracking up......she thought it was funny....which I think was probably her covering for actually liking it....and that's fine.....just not for me....after that we were home free....I think I had the best time just laughing and drinking, having a good time in the limo.....It was nice...not having to drive and relaxing.....
Anyways that was my friday night! Crazy huh! Well I better be getting to bed.....just dropping a note....Talk to you all later! |
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| Limo a la birthday! |
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| 06:45pm 23/06/2006 |
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Today is Monica's Birthday we are going clubbing tonight...gonna drink the night away...and ride a FREAKIN LIMO!!! I have never ever been in one before....crazy huh...! lol...why does everyone think it's so weird.....I've never been on a plane before either...not even to the airport....lol.....don't judge me! Anyway...we are gonna have a blast.....I'm so excited!I will talk to you all later and let you know how it went! Love, Tiff |
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| Everybody knows all the things I can't erase from my life....I wouldn't want to anyway.... |
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| 11:11pm 13/06/2006 |
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My little sister Graduated today. I am so proud of there. And only her and I know why....Even though she didn't graduate where she was suppose to...and she doesn't have that many friends from her new school....We still have each other.....I am so happy that she is done with high-school. She's going to do something great with her life...I know it.
I don't have regrets....I never have felt regretful...not actually....little things upset me when they go wrong...but that's life. right? I know that everything that has happened to me in my life has been for a reason....and has shaped my life into what it is today. I don't have everything I want yet...and I am not where I want to be yet.....but I'm gonna gonna get there someday...I'm trying to be patient.....
I wasn't ready to go to school right out of highschool. And I am glad I didn't. I was too burnt out on it. I needed a break. And I've grown to appreciate that I am going to go to school and do something good with my life. (I'll let you know what that might be.) haha....But I think I don't think that I could have done it without figuring out a few things first. I needed to get on my feet and realize that I can do it...and without critizism. Without the weight on my shoulders that I could fail....and I know that could still happen but I won't know until I try.....You know what my grandma said to me....And I don't know if she was sincere....but I think she was....I said to her that I am always afraid that her and my grandpa will be disappointed in me....and she said to me in tears "that they would be proud of me no matter what I did with my life." That hurt me deep inside.....in a good way....I could of lost it right then and there.....I needed to hear that more than anything in my entire life that my mom has ever said to me. Even now...tears...I feel a lot better....a lot less stressed about it....just trying to stay positive......
Anyways, I'll leave you with another beautiful song by the Dixie Chicks...
DIXIE CHICKS LYRICS
"Lullaby"
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up |
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| For awhile... |
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| 11:49am 09/06/2006 |
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I thought that things were getting too hard to handle...But I was wrong. It was just a rough patch...Now I'm coming out on top. It is nice to have things feel the way they used to.
I hadn't talked to anyone about things because I felt ashamed. I felt like everyone thought that everything for me was always so perfect. And they never are. Maybe I make it seem like things are that way but that's my defense mechanism. I smile, but inside I'm hurting. I laugh everything off, but inside I feel like dying. And I hate feeling like I have to pretend everything is okay. When I do that it makes me feel like I can't even deal with things that are going on in my head because SOMEONE else might think SOMETHING different. And I don't like that feeling at all.....so what if they think it's crazy...or that it's ridiculous. No one actually cares. No one has ever made me feel like they actually care about what I am saying or feeling. Generally some do. But my mind always thinks that if I get to close they will hurt me. That I will be left by myself. So I try to laugh everything off or smile like I'm okay. "I just call it getting by. I swore they'd never see me cry, you'll never see me cry."-DCX I really did that when I was a kid. I told myself if they didn't see me cry, it would make me seem strong. It would make me be strong. And by being strong nothing could ever ever hurt me. But the funny thing is that's all I seem to do these days. I cry in front of everyone. I can't control it anymore. And I don't know what that means. Am I getting weaker? Or am I realizing that it's okay to cry? I don't know. Of course I know it's okay to cry, but I was never allowed to do it. I had to hold everything in. I couldn't get rid of my angst, and emotions. She made me hold it all in. Yet she always asks me why I do that. But whenever I did get overwhelmed and let it out, she told me how stupid I was and how immature I was and how fat, ugly, annoying, and how much of a bitch I was. It's coming back to me now. I've always known what a horrible mother she is and has been. I became the person she was. She told everyone how great everything was. And I do that. I'm not doing it anymore. And I think some people are looking at me like I'm always looking upset or sad or angry. I try not to care about that but it's difficult. I'm not any of those things. I'm probably just deep in thought. I guess people just think that's what my face shows...haha....I'm not crazy. I know it, I'm just not. Sometimes I think I'm going to get there though. It's just so hard for me to deal with all these things that I am trying to work on in my heart and deal with life coming at me all at the same time. I don't know how anyone else does it. I just feel like I'm on a short fuse all the time. and it doesn't feel good to not be able to deal with much. No one understands what is going on with me. And I am okay with that part. I've had to make myself okay with that. But it hurts me that people might not approach me because they think those things of me.....That I'm not friendly and yada yada yada....you know...And I know it shouldn't bother me. I shouldn't let it get to me because it's not important...What other people think....but I like people I like being around them. I enjoy company, I like making friends and being friendly to everyone. I just hope they realize that not everyone can always be that way. For crying out loud, my grandma came in to work the other day. And the minute I started talking to her and she asked me what was new and I said I was going to start going to College, as soon as I said the word college I burst into tears. I mean normally it's like what the hell is wrong with me. It's just a word! It's just one damn word.....that's it right? But of course it's not just one word...It's everything to me...it's my whole future wrapped up in that one word......and I don't want to get stuck....I want to follow my dreams....I want it so bad. I do...I really do.
And oh god, when someone asks me what's wrong...even if I don't have a lot on my mind I go immediately into that emotional zone. I either cry or say that "I'm fine,why?" And then they are like oh you just don't seem like yourself....and then I start apologizing not realizing that I must look like the day is going badly for me. What an idiot I make myself out to be.
"The pain is endless
I apologize for being
I shy away, leaving myself feeling invisible
It's destroyed my self-esteem
I am afraid to walk alone
I am numb and disconnected
Afraid to love
It breaks my heart
Kills my sense of wonder
And stops me from dreaming"
I've put this on here a thousand times. But it's true. I apologize for being. I apologize for being a human, for having a bad day. I don't have any self-esteem. I get scared of being alone.......I feel like a zombie disconnected from everyone else. I am afraid to love people, in the possibility of getting hurt. My heart is broken, has been for a long time. I rarely feel like things will get better, and I am so scared that I won't accomplish my dreams.
It all hurts. The only thing that used to make me feel better was to write. But I feel like that doesn't even help as much as it used to. I mean it feels a little better because I can kind of sort it out in my head that way....but if you haven't noticed I don't update much anymore. I think I need to do it more. I need to stay as far away from bad habits as possible. And let's just face it, that's a bad one. lol....I need to work things out in my mind...I need to write it out....maybe it will help me like it used to.
Well anyway, I've rambled on for quite a long time. Today and tomorrow are pretty busy days. I need to get some things done before Judith's Graduation tonight...and then tomorrow is her graduation dinner......and then on Tuesday my sister is graduating yay! And she's having a little party on Father's day...So yay! Well I better be going. I need to get ready and get to some stores! TTYL-LOVE TIFFANY
DIXIE CHICKS LYRICS
"Everybody Knows"
Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well
Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry
Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows
You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies
But I just call it getting by
Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows I am just barely getting by |
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| So you say, you say you love me.... |
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| 11:16pm 05/06/2006 |
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I haven't updated in a while! I have been so tired lately. It's hard to make sense of. I don't want to confuse me or anyone else. But I will do my best. In all my life I have never been a person to want to sleep...I've always had tons of energy. I've always hated sleeping...and I've noticed and recently put together the puzzle pieces. In the last four years or more actually...My sleeping habits have drastically changed...Now I know that things change in our lives all the time.....Causing us to feel more stressed and more exhausted all the time. But I feel like it's far past that. I feel tired all the time now. I won't go to sleep of course but I always feel stressed...and tired and depressed.....and just drained. I feel like I can't ever get enough sleep....and that's very unusual for me. I realize that things happen and I know that my life has changed a ton over time....but I know that is just not me. I have a feeling though that I already know the answer to why this is going on. I have a weird theory about it. I think that I was a nervous child. I think the reason I never wanted to sleep really was because I didn't want to miss something that was going on in my life. I think that subconsciously I did not feel like my household was secure. What I mean by that is I was probably always afraid I wouldn't know what was going to happen between my parents. So I thought that if I went to sleep I would miss hearing the things going on between them. And then if something bad happened I would be in shock and I didn't want to be shocked by any of it. To me that is an intense defense mechanism to have developed so young. I didn't realize it at the time of course. But I think that was how I felt about it all. My mom and sisters dad would always fight. I would of course over hear everything whether I was trying to or not. But I think I was intensely listening to what they were saying over the years in fear that my whole world would come crashing down. And it did. And not even much long after. It didn't help either that my mom constantly had me involved in everything...more and more as I grew up. But she would always vent her feelings out to me every chance she got. Mainly things about my sisters dad and their problems. At that age I didn't have the ability to realize really that I didn't want to hear any of it. I just soaked it all up. Not a good thing for a child. They soak everything up. And I've realized that it truly really really really affects them and how they deal with their own issues later on in life. It made it really hard for me to grow to actually stand up for myself to my mom. And other people too...And now that I don't have her at me everyday it's been difficult to remember and to train myself to tell her when she's wrong. It's very hard. Because I grew up thinking she was always right. That's what she had me believing. I was her rock. I had to listen to everything she said. And now, now that I am moved out and at a distance from her she has chosen to say that Sarah is way worse of a kid than I was. I of course at first was like yay. But then I thought about it and I realized that's the most horrible thing she could have said. I was just a push over to her. That she could get to do anything she wanted....Sarah stands up for herself. A little too much sometimes. But I wish that I would have done the same. I think I've been depressed for many many years because of the way she has treated me. And I also think that that depression has affected me in countless ways over time and evolved into different habits different phases....and I think I am coming to the worst of it.
I look back and remember how I would always give my sister a hard time because she always needed so so so much sleep. I would often try and keep her awake talking to me at night just for company...I was that desperate. I would stare at the ceiling and make shapes out of the popcorn spray on stuff....(you know what I'm talking about) And then when my mom decided she was going to try to start making me go to sleep at night....she punished me for not being able to sleep by shutting the door so I was left in the darkness...(which then made me afraid of the dark) and I would wail and cry because I was afraid and then she would turn on the radio to classical music...which of course at that age I hated....This was between the ages of 6-12. Pretty messed up to me. My mom never understood me at all....But yet my entire life has told me that she knows me better than I know myself.
Anyways, getting back to the subject. I've found that lately it's gotten way way worse in a short amount of time. I am always restless. I am always exhausted. But if I went to lay down to sleep right now I would not be able to sleep at all. I think that it might all have something to with my past. Because when I think about it really hard, soon after that stretch from the ages 6 to 12....when I was probably 13 my mom started a totally new thing. She would never let me sleep in. When school was out for the weekend she would literally scream at me to get out of bed that I had slept enough at maybe eight thirty or nine o'clock in the morning. So that started another pattern. When I moved out. I slept in so so much. And I remembered feeling this weight off my shoulder...that I really had no more worries...but lately it's been really hard for me to get to sleep unless I leave the tv on to go to sleep to.......I have to have it on every night now....I can't go to sleep at all with total darkness...I just keep running things in my head. I can only fall asleep if things are still making noise or sounds like movement. And that's how I wake up...is if I don't hear movement or sound. I wake up and then it is very hard for me to fall back asleep....if it's early in the morning then I can go back to sleep...but if it's like around eight or nine...I have not a chance. I think that I am still a bit afraid of the dark...I of course don't press my back up against a wall when sleeping anymore. because the bed is not out from the wall...but I usually have to fall asleep snuggled next to Jay.....I am mainly just afraid of things coming out of the darkness.....
And like even right now...Though I am exhausted.......The only reason why I am going to get to bed is because I know if I don't I will be even more exhausted tomorrow...and I have to get up early.I don't know how some people balance more than one job....I have the personality for it...I know I do.....I am willing to do those sorts of things....to push myself over the edge and everything.....but I don't feel like I could do it right now.....
I don't know I kind of want to make an appointment with the doctor and see what they say.....I mean I don't know what else they could do...I'm already on medicine for sleep as it is....but that was for my migraines.....this is kind of different....which by the way...knock on wood...I haven't had a bad one in about a week or so now....which is good because I am nearly out of my meds for it...and am waiting to get paid......well anyways I am going to attempt to get some sleep.....Sorry I think this journal was kind of all over the place....I will figure it all out later...love you all love tiff |
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| I'm lost in a lullaby.... |
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| 11:30am 24/05/2006 |
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I am in love with the Dixie Chicks new cd...Just love it....and that song lullaby is amazing.....
It made me realize how freakin emotional I've been lately.....I guess more in the last two months or more.....I start getting all teary when watching tv and friends a lot and other movies....I don't know why.....probably the result of a lot of anxiety lately.......it gets pretty bad sometimes.....I get really emotional.....and don't even realize it.....Meanwhile at the time I'm just thinking that I am a passionate person so there's no big thing going on.....but when I really think about it...that probably isn't so good......Crying for no reason.....other than a cheesy moment on the television.......at the same time I know that when a person cries...it's because they are feeling overwhelmed with emotion....and it's a way to relieve stress......I just feel like I am always overwhelmed...and I don't know how I got so far gone with everything.....I am just trying to deal with everything....and it's always coming at me all at once.....and I know that everyone must feel like this.....but at the same time I feel all alone...you know? it's weird....
Maybe I am just weird....whatever...I'm always so tired...and short with everyone.....and sometimes even though I am tired beyond days short of sleep I sometimes can't get myself to go to sleep....I am suppose to be taking sleeping pills.....they are for my migraines as well...but then sometimes I feel like oh I don't need them cause I will fall right asleep.......and then other times....I am awake wishing I would have taken them two hours before bed like I am suppose to......but then I get all scared that I am going to become dependant on them if I take them every night like some pill popping lunatic......so then I will skip out on the other things I am suppose to take too.....so I think that I am probably all messed up inside......probably very unbalanced.....which is very scary...and even now makes me want to just burst into tears......I sometimes feel shaky too....like at any given moment I am either gonna loose it on someone or just pass out all together.....it's a very crazy unstable feeling.....no one really understands that all of this is going on inside me right now...I haven't fully explained things until just now....
I really don't know what to do....
Today I got up and took Jeremy to work at eight thirty.....I was extremely tired...he had to drag me out of bed but at the same time I got this rush of energy to sing in the car.....lol....I think I was trying to trick my mind and body out of being tired....I am so freaking tired right now that I want to flop onto the bed......but I know I have a ton of things to do...and I really actually don't but cleaning the house is the huge one....and I feel like that is going to take the entire day....and I don't want to be stuck here all day but I can't get motivated to move away from the computer.....rofl....I am so annoying huh? just blabbing on and on about nothing and everything.....Jeremy wants me to go reserve tickets for x-men 3 and I need to get some more grocery items....just a few things and I am suppose to hang out with Lesey....don't know where she is....
I really do love that song though "lullaby" on my new cd....Jeremy and I were watching Medium last night......and throughout the last episode it was playing that song.....and I was like who the heck is that thinking that the song was incredibly beautiful.....and at the end of the show it said that it was the Dixie chicks and that it would be out yesterday so I bought it....I've only listened to the first seven songs......but I will let you know about the rest....so far so good...... yay!
Another thing to blab about...
I've always been the type of person to almost always move on impulse and trust my instincts...but lately I've been seriously feeling some crazy things....probably my imagination......I don't know for sure....so don't hold me to it....and I know it sounds so crazy....but I get this every once in awhile.....I feel like the "u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e" lol is trying to tell me something.....trying to lead me on my path or something.....and since it's pushing me this way it feels like it's trying to keep me away from something else that is really bad.....and I keep trying to explore it.....or hold on to ...or something....I dunno what it is...and I don't understand why I keep trying to hold on to it if I feel like it's something that is going to hurt me or make me unhappy....but I am trying so hard to ignore it too....don't hate me cause I am blabbing I'm just trying to get it all out on here so I can make any kind of sense of it at all.....
I feel like there are so many things I want to happen for me in my life and that some of them are finally starting to come together.....and I know that it's all going to be very very hard to deal with.....and I am going to have all kinds of issues trying to work everything out...and I will most likely die in the middle of it all from all the stress....lol.....(i hope not) but I am going to keep on moving if it kills me......because that's me.....
I finally went to clark...I re-registered for school......yes I know it wasn't even that hard.....I guess I knew all along that that part wasn't going to be hard........but in someways I keep thinking if I reverse everything for me...and think that every little thing isn't that hard that I am going to be just fine....because I kept thinking that that was going to be the hardest part...but so far it's been the easiest....haha....The harder parts are yet to come but I'm going to try and look at them all positively.....I'm really worried about financial aide.....without it I can't go.....there's absolutely no way.......I mean there are some other ways...I could quit work....and not pay my bills.....but that is not going to happen......I can't do that....can't afford that.....and I wouldn't quit anyways....even though I pretty much don't enjoy working with some of the people I work with I still need the money....My sister was actually declined when she did her financial aide.....but she did hers before she knew I was going too....so hopefully that will help things and it will appear that there are two college tuitions needed out of the household....I don't even see how she could of been declined anways cause Scott does not make hardly anything.....and my mom doesn't make nothing and didn't for last year anyways......I think she just messed up the application......the only thing left is a student loan....and I know I am not approved for that already...I've already tried.....apparently my sister already told my mom that if she's not approved that grandma and grandpa are just going to have to co- sign......she said to my mom "they don't have a choice, if they want me to go they don't have a choice..." which to me was very dis-respectful to say it like that...but at the same time.....I agree....I would have gone to college a long time ago....I didn't have the guts to ask them to co-sign for me.......I was going to swallow my pride and ask.....but I didn't want to have that over my head.........that they could say if I failed that I had wasted their money and yada yada you know....though they wouldn't be putting the money up but just the same you know what I am trying to say.....and now I think that if anything they probably won't take me seriously if I ask them now...because sarah is going to school "on time" right out of highschool.....so I feel like they will look at it as I am just trying to get in on the same ride...or that I am just messing around and I am not going to do well on purpose or something.....either way if they don't say it out loud I feel like that's how they would feel on the inside.....and it really does make me upset...the whole thing......Sarah and I talked about this the other day.....okay...I am not exagerating here....my grandparents they have a lot of money......they do......they always have.....my grandpa is very stingy.....won't let my grandma go crazy over buying anything....everyone else in the family has money too......they have money to put their kids through college and to buy them nice cars and pay their insurance and hand everything to them......My mom has never had a good job......doesn't/didn't aspire to have any big dreams......and didn't hand anything to us....and I am not saying that I wanted that..(believe me...when I have kids I am not going to overindulge them....but at the same time I'm not going to deprive them either)...but the rest of them take those things for granted....if I would of had that oh what I would of done with it all.....yeah I guess I can sit there and say that......I would of done this and that....and some people are like you don't know you haven't been there....but just me knowing me I wouldn't have taken any of it for granted......especially going to college....I've wanted to go to college all of my life....always always thought that I would of gone right out of school....but I didn't have that opportunity....and everyone sits there and says well....if you want to grow up, have a nice house, nice things, good job you have to go to college......but they are leaving out the part where you have to have money to do that......to go to college......it's easy to sit there and say all that but no one really knows what it's like to watch everyone else around you with all these new experiences and new knowledge and new dreams because they are actually in college.......finally after sobbing over it for two years.....I'm not burnt out on school anymore....that's where I was when I left graduation night......I was completely burnt out on it all......I didn't think I could take even one more day of it.....I wanted it all to be over and done with.....I wanted to be home the next morning sleeping in...and feel relief that it was all over!...and I did....but now.....now....I see people I know or used to know doing things with their life....or not doing anything and I feel like....omg that is what I want and I don't want to not do anything with my life........I realize now.....what I already knew before....I was destined to do something good....I still don't know what it is yet.....I'll let you know...haha.......but to get back to my point I was trying to make about my grandparents... (kind of drifted off sorry) They do have money and so did everyone else.......everyone else was too selfish to help my mom out....my grandparents did help my mom out a lot.....they paid for the divorce to sarah's dad.....but my mom paid them back for that......which was good........proud that she did do that.....but to me they should have stepped up to help my mom more when it came to putting my sister and I through college......they didn't do anything......in that department....and whether or not it was their place....it's family.....you help family out......even so it's not about money.....they just kind of all left my mom to fend for herself.....and didn't even care to know if she was alright or not...I really feel like if the situation was reversed I would do things differently.....I don't expect that my grandparents should have to pay for my tuition and my sisters too...that's not what I am saying.....I just feel like they could of been there more.....I sound so selfish don't I....I don't feel like I am being selfish by saying that....at the same time some may say that they think so.......it's a hard subject to explain.....it sounds like I am talking about normal people here....my aunts and uncles have never once invited my mom and my sister and I to their house....we are not close..........and we don't see each other besides holidays....and we live in the same damn city...and I think it all has to do with money.....it always has been that way.....it's like.....we were the poorest in the family and in saying that....they always excluded us from their lives......I remember a few times my sister and I tried to bring everyone together by arranging to hang out with my uncle steve...he told my sister and I that we could go out on his boat with him....and our cousins....and we were so excited.....he never called my mom never called nothing ever happened...
I hate money so much......someone shouldn't have to feel less fortunate because they won't get to do things like go to college because of a stupid thing called money.....I hate money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And other people shouldn't throw it in your face that they have it and you don't......my grandparents don't do that...they are very humble in that sense but there were a lot of rough times back there where I can remember my mom being worried about what to do....and I remember my grandma would come over and my grandpa would be with her....and she would slip like an envelope or something to my mom just like a goodfella....lol.......and I knew it was only what she could take without it being noticeable to my grandpa.....my grandpa would of came unglued....so I guess it was more my grandpa........and now that I think about it......that happened a lot....."they" really have helped a lot.....so I guess at the same time what I am feeling is like if I were to ask them...hey co-sign....so I can get my poor ass into college....it will be like Charity or something.....because it's like putting out there...well duh I don't have any money so I need your richness to make me look good.....man I am bitter sometimes......I guess I just I just I reallyyyyyy hate money...it gets in the way of everything....it gets in the way of living life...and I don't want it to......I wish there was no money....many will say that but they don't have the plan like I do muhahaha!....if I was president I would burn all the money......and not communicate with other countries that had any of it...and don't make fun of my plan...you know it's genius!...money is a hateful awful material thing......yeah you can buy things with it.....but money itself gets more expensive all the time....and all it does is hold people back diversify us....create evil....and greed....and hostility and anger.......and hatred.......and chaos.....it cuts love with thorns......oooohh that was a good one....it seems like all we are here for is to make lots of it.....that's what society wants us to do.....and in someways that's good.....it's good to set goals for yourself and try to live up to your own expectations but only your own.........but I think a lot of people don't see how blinding money can be......I feel like I am here on this earth to do more than just make money.......and though I hate to admit it...I don't think that it's a bad thing to want nice things and plan for your children to lead good lives......but I am going to make sure to not lose sight of what really counts........
There that makes me feel a little better.......I wish I could be like Mr.Trump and have that same attitude......he is always like saying.....that to do anything good with your life he had to learn to make a lot of money....because to see the world and to help other people you have to have money.....I think you also have to have a lot of love.....and maybe that's the difference between.....people......some people don't get all of it.....the one's that do are few and far between.....I want to be one of them....
Something else bothering me...
You know how I was saying there's a lot of things all at once going on with me right now....I have to say...that I am really feeling torn about things between my bio-dad right now...you kind of know what's going on with that I told you...I just don't know what to do about it all....
I am cutting this short...I will talk more later.....love you all...! |
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| I couldn't sleep so I've been up since freakin' five |
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| 07:21am 14/05/2006 |
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It's not like me to do things this dumb....I went to bed last night with this weird stomach ache....I was on the internet just looking at clothes and stuff on different websites.....and I just got this stomach ache.....I felt like I was going to puke...but at the same time I felt like something was very very wrong....it was a totally weird feeling........I went to lay down and still felt antzy.....i decided I was probably hungry since I hadn't eaten since lunch at work.....I ate a bowl of cereal in bed and after about an hour of tossing and turning I finally fell asleep.....I woke up at five this morning...I don't know exactly what noise woke me up...but there were a lot of them....It was either creepy maintanence men down below or my next door neighbor.....either way I had to go to the bathroom...so I got up and went....I kept hearing the noises and they seemed so much louder than I had ever heard them.....I got out of the bathroom......and walked into the hallway and opened the sliding door thing and panicked as I looked at the front door.....the front door was open about half an inch.....not to where if someone was driving by they'd notice too much but to where someone on the porch or sidewalk could definitely see....I was so freaked.....I froze my like entire body.....afraid that there was someone in the house......(i'm still even looking behind me right now...) I moved towards the door and looked out the window...no one was there on the porch....thank god.....i left the door how it was cause I would need a quick get away...haha.....and then I searched the house.....no one that I could tell had been in here....I was searching my mind trying to remember if I had locked the door last night....I realized I hadn't because I had went outside searching for Ki-Ki and I had to hold her with two hands......to take her to the porch....(she's getting really fat lol) (and plus she squirms cause she's all excited and then she's like ma....you don't have to carry me I know how to walk...but I am all impatient with her cause it will literally take her like twenty minutes to come in the front door and go to the porch.....) and I just swung the door behind me and didn't go back to close it.....I feel so unbelievably stupid......that scares the crap out of me that I did that....my subconscious definitely was trying to tell me something was out of place.....cause my stomach was all tight and felt like hurling...seriously...it's still like that a bit....I am just so thankful that no one came in.....we wouldn't of probably even known it......I sleep so freaking heavy now days......I never hear the alarm when Jeremy wakes up and he always wakes me up when he has to be driven so he's my alarm.....he hears everything........I do feel like I would of sensed it if someone had been in here...I think anyone could.....I do wonder though if the neighbor thought it was weird....I think he came home early this morning cause he was making the noise at five and hasn't left and it's almost eight......muhahahahahaha...that would be kind of creepy....like if you came home and someone's freaking door was just sitting there open......like nothing just sittin' open no sound....I wonder if I snored last night ....muhahahahaha lol....that would be hilarious.....and then later when I am getting ready for work he's all like I heard you snoring.....lol..that wouldn't happen....I really have never talked to him much....anyways....well I better go I think I have a chance to fall asleep for another hour......I'm yawning a ton....and jeremy is getting up in like fifteen minutes or so....alrighty....talk to you all later! love bonehead Tiff |
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| How to deal... |
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| 10:31am 11/05/2006 |
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Yours may be better....I'll live with that....but I wanted it more...and now I'm on the right track....tomorrow will be better...just wait and see.....tomorrow it will be about just me looking out for me.....I'm taking the less traveled road...I hope you'll be okay...got to get the hell out of here....to a much brighter day.....I couldn't rhyme for so long...and now it feels so good to do so.....getting my soul back together....its been so much harder than I show....My pain is buried deep inside....I kept it in a secret hidden place....so that everyone around me wouldnt look at me like a disgrace.... I don't know how I got here... I'm lower than I used to be....black and blue bruises from everyone....I realize they'll never understand the real me....I've even caused some of the damage...I'm not innocent...I've had my share of faults and misjudgments...I'm not sure if my life's well spent....I'm still full of so much passion....I really do have this amazing zest for life.....I want to share it...but its hard sometimes....I have to show them all my worth....I have to wash my hands of all of this.. If I am ever to steal.. mother nature's loving kiss.....I've got to get it out a thousand times....because all I ever wanted....was to freaking rhyme....I know you don't understand....and I really don't want you to....I'm doing this just for me...because I want me to..sometimes the things that hurt the most.are very hard to reveal..and it hasnt been easy.but Im learning how to deal.. |
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| 05:11pm 02/05/2006 |
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nbmjvhbm,vbmb |
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| tonight.... |
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| 12:46am 30/04/2006 |
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mood:  sad music: I Dare you to move-Switchfoot
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I couldn't find Gus anywhere... |
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sweet_angel17t's journal